Entertaining Ideas: The Ranch Hand's Balls

I'm the perfect hostess. I can throw together a shindig in under thirty minutes, remembering what foods and drinks people like, what drugs they're on and who's sober or allergic to dairy products. Lactose Intolerant people are not allowed to my parties, and this is the reason why. I serve cheese balls; hand-made delicious cheeseballs. I figured it was time for me to post up one of my sure fire, jackpot recipies. Of course it's a cheese ball. I got this recipe from Heather Cooley's mom several Halloweens ago when she had it promptly displayed in the shape of a ghost in the center of the table. I still make it from time to time and serve it to my friends on those days when my apartment is full of smoke and we can't stop laughing. On those occasions it's best to serve food to stoners that dont require any plates. The resulting cracker crumbs can be swept off to the floor and vacuumed. See, perfect dish. There are different ways to serve his recipe. Martha Stewart suggests displaying your cheeseball on a blanket of fresh, cut veggies. I however go with crackers as my stand by seeing as how nothing ruins a good buzz like losing a finger while cutting up cucumber coins. I also like this recipe because you can cheat later by reshaping it back into a smaller ball when your guests have left. Then you just serve it the next day to barnacles you couldn't invite to the party or anyone else who shows up on your doorstep like Mormons, Jehovah's witnesses, policemen. Trust me they never know it isn't fresh and you always look like a gracious host.

THE RANCH HAND'S BALLS:

.....................ingredients...

[001] 2 - 8oz packs of Cream Cheese

[002] 3.5 cups Shredded Cheddar

[003] 1 pack of Ranch dressing mix [do not get ranch dip mix, it tastes gross]

[004] 1 cup Chopped Pecans [you can get em already chopped in the cake mix aisle]

.....................tools.of.the.trade...

[001] Hand Mixer
[002] Large Mixing Bowl

[003] Aluminum Foil

[004] Shallow Bowl

.....................ingredients...

[001] Bring all your cheeses to room tempature. If you ride the bus like I do from time to time, the forty-five minute ride back from Walmart will bring those cheeses to the right tempature, as well as melt your popsicle sticks.

[002] Mix the first three ingredients together in a large bowl. Use a hand mixer. I don't suggest you use a table top mixer, because your cheese mixture will just fly to the sides and not blend together no matter how you adjust that damned bowl. I speak from personal experience.

[003] Chill cheese for two hours. Throw some aluminum foil on top of your mixing bowl and put it on the top shelf of your fridge. Move your beer if you have to. I like to use these two hours for various tasks. If i'm throwing this together for a party as a snacky-munch i'll either start a batch of cupcakes, clean up the apartment, hang brightly colored streamers and who knows maybe even smear some spackle in the holes in the wall from a certain guest at the last party. (I won't go into that, let's just say they know who they are...Alex) Sometimes I just sit there an watch Elvira's tassle scene repeatedly until I remember I had cheese in the fridge. I mean it's not like I could be using those two hours to write a book or anything.

[004] Roll your cheese into balls and then into the pecans. This recipe makes two big cheese balls. Usually a lot bigger than the store bought ones, so then guests won't have to ask where you bought them. Put your pecans into a shallow bowl and plop your cheese ball into it repeatedly. Making sure to rotate your ball until it is completely covered. Pop them back into your fridge until it's time to serve.

[005] Enjoy. Have the kids fix the Martinis and vacuum while you touch of the pink streaks in your hair. The most important part of a party is it's presentation. Place your cheese ball in the center of a large round tray and sprinkle crackers around it with perhaps a flower as garnish on the side. Just make sure when the room gets smokey no one eats the flower.