Entertaining Ideas: The Ranch Hand's Balls

I'm the perfect hostess. I can throw together a shindig in under thirty minutes, remembering what foods and drinks people like, what drugs they're on and who's sober or allergic to dairy products. Lactose Intolerant people are not allowed to my parties, and this is the reason why. I serve cheese balls; hand-made delicious cheeseballs. I figured it was time for me to post up one of my sure fire, jackpot recipies. Of course it's a cheese ball. I got this recipe from Heather Cooley's mom several Halloweens ago when she had it promptly displayed in the shape of a ghost in the center of the table. I still make it from time to time and serve it to my friends on those days when my apartment is full of smoke and we can't stop laughing. On those occasions it's best to serve food to stoners that dont require any plates. The resulting cracker crumbs can be swept off to the floor and vacuumed. See, perfect dish. There are different ways to serve his recipe. Martha Stewart suggests displaying your cheeseball on a blanket of fresh, cut veggies. I however go with crackers as my stand by seeing as how nothing ruins a good buzz like losing a finger while cutting up cucumber coins. I also like this recipe because you can cheat later by reshaping it back into a smaller ball when your guests have left. Then you just serve it the next day to barnacles you couldn't invite to the party or anyone else who shows up on your doorstep like Mormons, Jehovah's witnesses, policemen. Trust me they never know it isn't fresh and you always look like a gracious host.

THE RANCH HAND'S BALLS:

.....................ingredients...

[001] 2 - 8oz packs of Cream Cheese

[002] 3.5 cups Shredded Cheddar

[003] 1 pack of Ranch dressing mix [do not get ranch dip mix, it tastes gross]

[004] 1 cup Chopped Pecans [you can get em already chopped in the cake mix aisle]

.....................tools.of.the.trade...

[001] Hand Mixer
[002] Large Mixing Bowl

[003] Aluminum Foil

[004] Shallow Bowl

.....................ingredients...

[001] Bring all your cheeses to room tempature. If you ride the bus like I do from time to time, the forty-five minute ride back from Walmart will bring those cheeses to the right tempature, as well as melt your popsicle sticks.

[002] Mix the first three ingredients together in a large bowl. Use a hand mixer. I don't suggest you use a table top mixer, because your cheese mixture will just fly to the sides and not blend together no matter how you adjust that damned bowl. I speak from personal experience.

[003] Chill cheese for two hours. Throw some aluminum foil on top of your mixing bowl and put it on the top shelf of your fridge. Move your beer if you have to. I like to use these two hours for various tasks. If i'm throwing this together for a party as a snacky-munch i'll either start a batch of cupcakes, clean up the apartment, hang brightly colored streamers and who knows maybe even smear some spackle in the holes in the wall from a certain guest at the last party. (I won't go into that, let's just say they know who they are...Alex) Sometimes I just sit there an watch Elvira's tassle scene repeatedly until I remember I had cheese in the fridge. I mean it's not like I could be using those two hours to write a book or anything.

[004] Roll your cheese into balls and then into the pecans. This recipe makes two big cheese balls. Usually a lot bigger than the store bought ones, so then guests won't have to ask where you bought them. Put your pecans into a shallow bowl and plop your cheese ball into it repeatedly. Making sure to rotate your ball until it is completely covered. Pop them back into your fridge until it's time to serve.

[005] Enjoy. Have the kids fix the Martinis and vacuum while you touch of the pink streaks in your hair. The most important part of a party is it's presentation. Place your cheese ball in the center of a large round tray and sprinkle crackers around it with perhaps a flower as garnish on the side. Just make sure when the room gets smokey no one eats the flower.

Q & A on Looking Glass...

Here's a list of question and answers about my manuscript for Looking Glass that people who've read it ask me quite frequently.

[Why are there so many spiritual references?]
I'm Catholic and I adore the Saints. I love spiritual art and learning about different ways people express thier faith. This book is full of references to different religions all over the world. I've included references to greek and roman dieties, catholic saints, Hindu gods, spiritualism, gnosticism and even alchemey. These references are usually blurred unless you know what your looking for and here are a few sneak peeks: The "Mad Hatter" character is hung on a spinning wheel which is a mix of the Crucifiction of Saint Peter as well as a nod to the greek figure of Ixion who was tied to a flaming wheel. The Queen is an Alchemy symbol of the moon and The "Caterpillar" character tells fortunes based on an old Hindi method of pouring oil in one's hand and reading the pattern.

[What are the other references in the book?]
I used a lot of plant and color codes to change the mood as "Alice" gets closer to the queen. The scenes include colors, stones, and plants that symbolize virtue that blurr to death as the queen comes into view.

[Why such a dark turn for your writing? Are you okay?]
Yes I'm okay. I wanted to write something different for a change. Something of pure fantasy that doesn't come directly from my life. There are bits and pieces of bad things from my life interwoven into the character of "alice". Consider this a way of me letting things go.

[Why all the circus freaks and torture devices?]
I like them. I admire the old Circus freaks, because they took what they were and transformed it into a thing of beauty. Most of the performers were compelling and educated people who rose above the hand that was dealt them to make a comfortable life for themselves. As for the torture devices I believe that even the happiest person is tortured in some way. Even celebrities and powerful people are plaqued with the thought of "Do they really like me?"

Things To Consider When Writing A Book

In my attempts at writing a book I checked out several "Get yourself published" books. I skimmed them while either enjoying a bubblegum scented bubble bath or allegedly, perhaps between bong hits. I noticed one thing they all had in common in the first chapter (I never read any further), they all said I should know my core audience. "Who's going to read your book?" they all ask. Well that is a good question. Really. It makes me sit back and think, what wacko is reading this book? The books also ask various questions to get you to visualize what kind of an audience you would actually have in the dog-eat-dog, real world of published authors. So naturally I ripped the questionnaires out of each library book and settled down to answer their questions.

"What do they look like?" is the first question asked by all three books. Who cares? What does a person's appearance have to do with their ability to purchase and actually read a book? I'm sure that in this day and age an overly hairy, five-hundred pound woman with a bouffant, toy poodle, and hot pink lacquered nails could put out her cigarette, swivel around her oxygen tank and order my book. She'd even still be able to switch between Yahoo! chat conversations where she's pretending to be a twenty-four year old, blond goddess. She would have the same chance at getting her chubby fingers on my book just like your average red-blooded over-the-top gay man could at the local Barnes & Noble while scoping out the high school boys buying lattes and girly mags. It's not what you look like, but how you go about getting the book. That was the easiest question to answer or avoid, as it were in the long list. Other questions include: Where do they eat? What do they spend money on? What are their hobbies? and Do they smoke crack-cocaine? As you can see the list of questions is quite off, and I felt ridiculous answering most of the questions until I had finished answering them all and discovered what my audience would be, complete with criminal background checks and photocopied eight-by-ten photos.

My imaginary audience is between twenty-one and forty-eight. They are not illiterate and will not put this book down because it isn't full of interesting pictures. They will either be a gay man, a fag-hag or even an estranged wife who recently discovered her writer husband banging the pool boy when she came home early from work. This book's likely readers will most likely be living at home with their parents and work at the mall for mere pennies above minimum wage. According to my questionnaires they will have a fifty percent chance of being clinically depressed. I will be their Sylvia Plath and they will highlight passages in my book in hot pink before slitting their wrists. My audience will be over-weight or at least think they are. I will probably know them from Over-Eaters Anonymous or belly dancing class. They are most likely not a part of my family and if they were, they'd sue. They are either stoners, pill heads or coke mules who enjoy dissecting small animals and the art of taxidermy.

If this is you, congratulations fat ass, it's your lucky day! Put down that razor blade kid because someone actually noticed you for once. I should note here though that you may possibly be a serial killer or maybe even a high-class stalker or prostitute. If you don't match my highly researched, hypothetical profile. You probably aren't wanted by the FBI. Good for you, even mediocre people such as yourself find me interesting. I'm sure I like you either way because you bought this book. You hypothetical, pot induced people from my mind really exist and you made me a star, that is unless you borrowed it from a friend or checked it out from the library - then you suck!

Another reference book from the eighties, complete with a now defunct list of publishers asks the question: What use would your book be to the public? Now that easy to answer. The public needs to know about me, my fifteen minutes of fame and my obsessions with cupcakes and the color pink. I also want to delight and entertain the masses with my comically spun tales of woe and wonder. I'm also sure when this book is published the crowds will go wild and I'll be the center of a tinker-tape parade. I'm also sure the public would see this book as a lovely gift to re wrap and send to the next unlucky bastard or maybe perhaps used as a fancy paperweight. It could even be put under a wobbly table or even be thrown from a speeding car at someone you hate. The public's possible uses of this book are endless. All my fancy reference books also want to know what is so unique about my book. I told each of those books the same thing. There isn't a single book on the market today about me. I am what's unique about my book. It isn't my lack of structure, my point of view or even my clever way of writing mean things about people in a nice way.

Let's face it kids, I was ready to write a book. I had my audience held captive in prisons or locked away in their parents' basement. My book had a use for the public and an interesting hero people could relate to. I was all settled in to prove Joe wrong and write a book. That is until I came across the final question asked by all three books, It's a two-parter. Do you have something to say and if so can you sit down and write it? Well I have something to say, we all do. The probability of me sitting down and writing was slim to none. I'll give it the old college try, I thought. This would be like my brief encounter with vaginal sex. I may not like it, but I'll at least attempt to try something new. I did have uncountable notebooks, journals, and a website or two full of my rants and musings. Besides, a little hard work never killed anyone right?